I'm not sure whether its cause the impending exams or because I just trashed my computer opponents in a game of hearts (with 0 score no less), I feel in a rather rant-y mood .Take it as an assessment of life (mine in particular) since the beginning of the year. (DISCLAIMER:It's not all rants LAH. )( And it might be a bit childish or whatever, but I guess I need some place to get a load off my chest)( And And no deep musings/philosophical tidbits here, only real and honest narration) .
This year has sucked. Somewhat different, on so many levels. I've been called arrogant (by a teacher no less), made a new best friend, gotten admirer(s), got lost in love's conundrum and the list goes on. Not all are bad. Not all are good.
On the plus, WC is my new best mate, and of cos' there are certain connections to be made there (which the four of us know only). My love life (if there ever was one) is in the boondocks; terribly stale and stagnant. Imagine opening the fridge and smelling the deep pungence of expired milk/cheese/dairy product is probably the fragrance of said love life. Though there are many more new "eye candies" this year, I often feel more like a horny bastard in regaling my tales of interests to said best mate. Girls do abound in SA, and of course according to our very dear Mrs Tan, "it is for the male gaze". Chauvinistic as it may seem and sound, who doesn't appreciate a pretty face?
That said, it's been an entire conundrum as aforementioned. Too many flirts, too little love. The idea of rejection is a sore point I wish not to relive, and of course my life's tangle with commitment is one which I do not desire. Love is such an abstract concept for me, always have and always will be. I rarely feel loved and even rarely feel that I have loved. Both probably because of my jaded insensitivities, and numbed senses. I experience joy, pain, humiliation, anger and so on; but these base feelings are superficial and simple. Those that I crave (makes me sound like a perverted and desperate deviant) elude me. Of course, one could put in down to not trying much, and not putting effort into the situation at hand. But I guess, it's hard to take down so many layers and levels of walls put up for so long. Walls of past hurt, walls of insecurities, walls of resentment and walls of fear. Hitler would never be able to invade my heart.
And yes said teacher who made a groundless remark about me is of course our Other dear Lit. teacher. "You come off arrogant and proud, for someone who has nothing to be proud of". This rant is not out of resentment or whatever, but more of the larger issue at hand. This teacher and many others such as my History teachers are quite unbelievably my teachers. They are biased and prejudiced. This may seem such an offhand and groundless remark but trust me, it is no based on initial impressions, or the fact that they seem to have a bone to pick with me always. Reason being? I'm a Councilor. A god-damned bloody Councilor. With a capital C mind you. One said History teacher forewarned of the dangers of trying out for it, way before I even campaigned; a nice little scolding no less with his finger in my face mostly. Now I don't deny the "higher standards" that we should aim to achieve; but the bias and prejudice towards us are quite simply ridiculous and completely groundless. Even harmless teachers with harmless statements like "You must learn to cope with the busyness of Council activities and schoolwork". Advice, yes. Biased, of course. Now you may deem me biased for saying so, and of course I am. I'm a Councilor, and a "victim" here, so of course I'm bloody bias. But there is of course a tu quoque fallacy and we shall look deeper into the matter at hand of which I shall try to finally justify my stand. Take this case study. In the month of January, after Orientation, I (not speaking on the behalf of the entire council) have nothing much to do with Council work and all. In fact, nothing to do at all. However, it's wondrous to see how said teachers are able and without facts blame everything on heavy council activities. Furthermore, the event/occasion of which they are scolding/advising me is regarding issues that everyone, and I repeat everyone faces. But their biased and prejudiced manners on which they pin everything on to us, whether groundless or not, is quite unbecoming of teachers, who are expected to be impartial and having their facts. But instead, said teachers bitch about me in front of other teachers, who then without even having taught me or even come into contact with me, make groundless remarks about my character. Firstly, is it their jobs to be talking about my character in such a manner? Secondly, like what our Other Lit.teacher did finally realize is that she and the others don't know me. Thirdly, arrogance should not be mistaken for confidence. The former is the offensive display of superiority or self-importance, while the latter is the self-assurance of one's abilities. I know what I can and cannot do, and do not offensively display my superiority (if I even am "superior". I do think I'm a bit of an elitist though, but I guess in some particular areas only). Now, I here admit that sometimes I may appear proud and all, but I guess it's a misreading of overbearing confidence that arises out of insecurity. Like Nica (yes our lit. books are so very applicable), I often do feel the need to assert myself; in turn reassuring myself of myself. I know I'm definitely not an academic person, and I never even try to assert myself as one. So in what way would these teachers have reason to find fault with me, and deem me arrogant? So without being overly dismissive, I guess I just gotta watch myself more and at the same time not give a damn about these foos.
On the much brighter side of my life, there have been some romantic engagements these year. Admirers are one thing, so of course I'm looking for a more intimate and personal relationship. But because I have no idea how to face these admirers, (one because I have no idea why they like me, and second it's kinda embarrassing. not that I'm not flattered, but you know.) and because I just need a shoulder to cry on, or laugh together, this is a call-out to all interested applicants to call 1900-SAVE-EMMANUEL. On a more serious note, I do hope to get a special someone this year. Because even among all the friends, I do feel lonely sometimes. In the words of George my great ex- classmate and schoolmate now, "This void seems occasionally filled yet forever empty".
I do love my life. It's just that sometimes, it doesn't like me that much in return.
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